Attention, "Joe Everyday Sixpack."

Despite what you may have heard, Barack Obama is not a socialist, despite what the Right tells you. Nor is he a terrorist, although that myth was dispelled quite some time ago for all but the most hard-line stupid of you. Indeed, what some might find ironic is that Our Republican Heroes are much closer to socialism than any of us. "Why's that?" you muse, failing for the third time to button your shirt in the proper alignment. "After all," you drool, "it's the liberals who want to give out free healthcare, pay for a public education system, and basically be bad people who tax me to death." [Oh, and news on that? Unless you make $250,000, you're not being taxed to death by anyone on the left]

Because, friends and neighbors: they're addicted to government handouts. That's right, the Right Wing is a gigantic collective welfare queen. Not possible... really? Now I know you're making it all up. No - it's the truth, in fact, you'll see right-wingers collecting more government handouts than all the truly poor people in America put together. It's how they make their money. Our government bleeds money into corporate coffers like a stuck pig.

Examples: The oil industry is still subsidized by the government. Sorry, no matter how you slice it, your tax dollars are going to Standard Oil (did you hear? the three broken pieces of the old monopoly have magically grown back together - Esso, Mobil, and Exxon). If they stopped subsidizing oil, you'd get that tax money back. I suspect, however, that Texas's 34 electoral votes will keep that money locked away where it belongs: right in the pockets of rich people. It is... [drumroll please] a government handout!!!!! So-called corporate welfare.

You see, fellow poor people, we don't understand about the magical free market. If we let corporations do what they want, we'll all be flush with cash. I don't know exactly how it works. Evidently they have feelings, and if you buy their crap (even though it sucks and might kill you, since it hasn't been subject to scrutiny and they can take all the shortcuts they want to), we all get rich. Still don't get it? Well, you just don't understand how money works... you see, these bankers on Wall Street will subsidize your crap, keeping money here, and then, when we profit... umm... the banks will fail... or...

See, you still don't understand. That $700 BILLION wasn't a handout. It wasn't welfare. It was a stimulus package. This means free money for us, but you have to pay for it with your tax dollars. I know, but it isn't welfare. Shut up! We still know what we're doing. Those banks didn't fail. By the way, why don't you give us your Social Security and Retirement? We've done so well!

ENOUGH! What's good for the goose is good for the gander. "Incentives" for one cannot be labeled "welfare" for another. It is the selfsame concept: tax dollars handed out to some entity with no reasonable expectation of return. Even more interesting for all you future investment bankers? The particular brand of socialism associated with governmental Corporatism or syndicalism (where we give all the money to corporations and put them in charge) is called "Fascism."

Have you hugged your favorite Republican socialist yet? Give him a hug for me, and thank him for the wonderful socialist economy he voted for. Then mug him. Someone oughtta profit.